Tuesday, August 4, 2009

It should be not only legal, but encouraged

to slap people who a) speak very slowly b) take too long getting to their point c) act as though they are saying something new when they are just repeating something that has been said by someone else earlier.

We live in a high speed society.  We need efficiency in communication.  We need to focus on driving results, not the slow and redundant chatter that drags shit down.

And if by any chance you are forced to listen to other people via remote, ie a phone meeting, you should be able to substitute a high voltage jolt that could be administered by hitting "#7" on your phone.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Pointless Decree: Pumpin' Up The Party Is Ofiicially This Blog's Theme Song

Since the rest of you losers haven't really been pulling your weight around here, I'm going to go ahead and stage a bloodless coup. And my first act as Boss of This Blog is to decree that Hannah Montana's Pumpin' Up The Party (aka the Best Song Ever!) is now officially our theme song!

I am hoping that this ragin' tune will inspire all of you to come back and get your sorry asses kicked by yours truly.

And now...let's Pump Up This Party!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Pointless Argument #...fuck it, I can't keep track of this shit

The best possible diet? Raw veganism. There are far too many reasons to list here, but here are just a few of the most compelling:

1. It's a well-documented fact that cooking food destroys its magical properties. (Some people call this magic "micronutrients," but a more scientific term is "The Elixir of Youth.") If you consume only raw food, you will live forever. But eat just one molecule of cooked food? Later for you, man.

2. Cooking food also kills friendly bacteria, like salmonella, shigella, and E. coli O157:H7. Bacteria deserve to live, too, you MURDERER!

3. Raw vegans are closer to God. Were Adam and Eve barbecuing ribs before they were cast out of Eden? No, I don't think so.

4. Cooking requires the use of fire, which is bad for the earth. Why do you people hate the Earth so much? WHY?!

5. Depriving oneself of delicious cooked foods allows one to declare moral and spiritual superiority. Anyone who can subsist on nothing but wheat grass and uncooked pumpkin is clearly a much more enlightened being.

6. You can kiss constipation good-bye. Forever.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This or That

Balance California's budget without issuing IOUs or raising taxes
Attend a Fred Phelps protest carrying one of his "God Hates Fags" signs

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Pointless Pop Quiz: Which NPR personality...

...is most deserving of being blasted with a firehose? And why?

1. Scott Simon (host of Weekend Edition Saturday)
2. Stephen Hill (host of Music of the Hearts of Space)
3. Peter Sagal (host of Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!)
4. Puzzlemaster Will Shortz
5. Steve Inskeep (host of Morning Edition)

And yes, there IS a right answer.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Pointless Argument #47: Nothing Says Welcome to the Neighborhood Like a Flaming Bag of Dogshit on Your Doorstep

Sure, most people like to welcome their new neighbors with a plate of homemade baked goods. And that's fine—as long as you realize that this is how things are going to go down:
  1. New neighbors move in, you welcome them with a pan of your famous lemon bars.
  2. You exchange small talk over your fence for a few weeks.
  3. New neighbor man asks to borrow your lawn mower. Of course you say yes.
  4. A week later, lawn mower has not been returned.
  5. New neighbor man denies having borrowed lawn mower, yet blatantly uses it to mow his lawn.
  6. Heated words are exchanged over the fence.
  7. Small items begin disappearing from your porch and yard.
  8. New neighbor woman gives you the deep freeze when you see her in the morning.
  9. You realize she never returned your lemon bar pan.
  10. Your cat goes missing.
  11. Also the framed wedding photo from your mantel.
  12. You wake up to discover a large knife stabbed into your pillow. Through your wedding photo. And your cat.
Why not just save yourself the hassle of those initial niceties and go straight to the I-hate-yous? You'll thank me, I'm sure—and so will your cat.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Nothing says I love you like an enema

Thoroughly cleansing the colon of your loved one is the fondest form of love. What else says "I will do anything for you" like an enema?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Pointless Argument #11

If you don't buy your shoes at the Shoe Pavilion, you pay to much! Or so the king of the shoe pavilion used to whine at us on tv. Well now that shoe pavilion as declared bankruptcy, maybe it is just proof we were paying too little. Too little to sustain a shoe business.
Disagree if you dare.

I win!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Pointless CAGE MATCH! Facebook vs. craigslist

Five ways in which craigslist beats that little bitch Facebook's ass:

1. Clean, simple layout that doesn't change every three months for no apparent reason.

2. Pointless point system. How many times have you longed to neg some asshole's status update? Do I give a shit about your mucus plug, so-called "friend" from fifth grade who I wasn't even crazy about back then? Yeah, that's VILE.

3. The ability to launch anonymous attacks in grey. Self explanatory.

4. The ability to stalk and harass total strangers. Also self explanatory.

5. The opportunity to meet like-minded sociopaths like you.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Pointless Argument #8

I hereby declare myself the winner of all 7 previous arguments. So there!
Argue that bitches.

Pointless Argument #7

Artificial sweeteners are the devil. Not only do they all leave a nasty taste in your mouth, they really don't save you much. For example, if you swap your teaspoon of sugar in your morning coffee for a packet of "the blue stuff" the pound or two you might lose by cutting the calories will we easily offset by the weight of the tumor you get as a result of eating that crap.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Denim is beautiful

I want an entire wardrobe of denim. Pants, shirts, vests, skirts, panties, socks. Denim never goes out of style and lasts forever.

Pointless Argument #5

When flying, all passengers should be forced to wear airline issued jumpsuits free of zippers and other metallic trim. They should also be provided with books, magazines and movies at the airline's expense, but be allowed no carry on baggage. This would cut down on the security check time and the huge amount of time waiting for people to properly stow their baggage.

Failing that, anyone who tries to carry one of those bags that is far too big for the overhead bin, but hey it has wheels so it must be a carry on, should have to ditch the bag and be forced to fly crammed into the overhead compartment.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Pointless Argument #4: You Suck.

Here I am, itching for a fight...and where are you? Huh?

What the fuck do I have to do to get some action around here? Do I have to go tease my neighbor's pitbull?

Sunday, March 29, 2009

What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love

It's the only thing that there's just too little of.

Nickelodeon is the Perfect Babysitter

There is no better way to entertain my kids than Channel 40. I can turn it on and walk away for the rest of the day. My children will sit in front of the television all day without a care in the world.

I can get housework done, get a manicure and cook dinner without anyone asking for attention. All my motherly duties are taken over by Nick. Who could ask for anything more?

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Pointless Argument #1

The Snuggie is the most important invention of the decade, possibly the century. Not only is it a highly functional piece of clothing, a source of hassle free warmth and a cultural phenomenon, the advertisements gave people with obviously developmental delays high profile acting opportunities. And snuggies no doubt.

Disagree? I dare you!