Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Pointless Argument #...fuck it, I can't keep track of this shit

The best possible diet? Raw veganism. There are far too many reasons to list here, but here are just a few of the most compelling:

1. It's a well-documented fact that cooking food destroys its magical properties. (Some people call this magic "micronutrients," but a more scientific term is "The Elixir of Youth.") If you consume only raw food, you will live forever. But eat just one molecule of cooked food? Later for you, man.

2. Cooking food also kills friendly bacteria, like salmonella, shigella, and E. coli O157:H7. Bacteria deserve to live, too, you MURDERER!

3. Raw vegans are closer to God. Were Adam and Eve barbecuing ribs before they were cast out of Eden? No, I don't think so.

4. Cooking requires the use of fire, which is bad for the earth. Why do you people hate the Earth so much? WHY?!

5. Depriving oneself of delicious cooked foods allows one to declare moral and spiritual superiority. Anyone who can subsist on nothing but wheat grass and uncooked pumpkin is clearly a much more enlightened being.

6. You can kiss constipation good-bye. Forever.


  1. I call bullshit. How can any diet that doesn't involve melted cheese as a primary food group merit any kind of consideration. Plus, eating out becomes impossible. Same goes for take out. If these options are taken away, then you have to actually cook, well, not cook, but prepare every meal your family eats FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. And who wants to be closer to God? Most of the people I know who claim to be in tight with the big guy are sanctimonious asshats. I need a bit less of that in my life, and more beer.
    One final point, if you only eat raw foods, you have no more coffee. If you take that away, tell me this, what is the point of living?

  2. You are wrong about the coffee, my friend; I grow my own and eat the berries straight from the bush! Talk about a natural high!

    And you know, some of us actually ENJOY preparing healthy, nutritious, raw vegan meals for our beloved children! Imagine the satisfaction of watching your little darling down a bowl of uncooked rice with wheat germ sprinkled on top, then beg for more!

  3. Oh, I forgot, some of us spend our days trying to find ways to one up other moms.

  4. It's *so* not about one-up(wo)manship, honey, it's about sharing what works for *my* family. Open your heart a little, you might be surprised at how good it feels!


  5. Aren't we all really just one big family? You know, the family of man? I love you, I don't know why we keep fighting...oh, wait. I do know. Because you are batshit crazy.
    I'm guessing if you feed your family raw rice you also have a pretty good dental plan. Not everyone is that fortunate. Think about the less privileged for a moment from time to time, ok?

  6. Aw, sounds like it's time for a group hug! Come over here, you...!

  7. I love hugging people. It makes it so much easier to give them a sneak attack whack to the back of their head.

  8. Oh my!

    /sticks shiv up under your ribs/