The Onion® really IS America's Finest News Source

Looking for a one-stop source for news? Look no further: The Onion® has it all!

Up-to-the-minute breaking news reports like this one will keep you abreast of everything going on in the world.

Incisive in-depth reports like this will give you plenty to talk about with the other losers waiting to pick up their unemployment checks.

For the illiterate among us—yes, that's all of you idiots—there's even radio and video to keep you informed.

Wanna know what's happening in the world of hard science, but you're too stupid to read the original papers? The Onion®'s crack team of science reporters will break it down for you in PlaNe TaLk eVen a MOrOn lIKe YOO caN unDerStand.

How about those of you who enjoy keeping up with the sports? The Onion®'s got your sports right here.

And of course there's the entertainment news for all you superficial little bitches who like that sort of thing. Oh yeah, Chewboy, you know I'm talking to you.

I DOUBLE-DOG dare you to find a better source than The Onion® for news!
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Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with The Onion®...unless by "affiliated" you mean they shelled out a shit-ton of cash for me to post this.

Grape Nuts is the King of Cereals

Really, there's no need for me to even back this statement up. The truth of it is self evident.

All death penalty states should move from lethal injection to death by REO Speedwagon

In an effort to make the death of a convict involve more suffering, giving their victims, or the victims of their families even the tiniest bit of retribution, we should move away from lethal injection as a method of excecution.  We should also refrain from further use of the electric chair, firing squad, death by stoning with frozen pickles and all other means and institute a blanket policy of death by REO Speedwagon. 
This method would force the convict to listen to an endless stream of the hits and B-sides of REO Speedwagon hits until they experience complete organ collapse.  In all honesty it probably wouldn't even take that long.  I mean, they really really suck.