Thursday, July 16, 2009

Pointless Pop Quiz: Which NPR personality... most deserving of being blasted with a firehose? And why?

1. Scott Simon (host of Weekend Edition Saturday)
2. Stephen Hill (host of Music of the Hearts of Space)
3. Peter Sagal (host of Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!)
4. Puzzlemaster Will Shortz
5. Steve Inskeep (host of Morning Edition)

And yes, there IS a right answer.


  1. Stephen Hill. Really, is there any question about this? Anyone who hosts a show that gives new age and ambient music a public forum deserves a firehose blast at the very least. A dip in sulfuric acid might be more appropriate. No one really likes that crap. Seriously. People just pretend to like it because they think it makes them look like intellectuals. Morons.

  2. WRONG.

    Stephen Hill needs to be sprayed with a seltzer bottle just to wake him up. Then he needs to be slathered in honey and left on a hill of fire ants.

    This is all so self-evident, I'm really saddened by your failure to get it right.

  3. unless it's a seltzer bottle full of urine, I can't imagine it would have any effect. And even with the urine seltzer, the effect would only make him smell bad. meat grinder? That seems like an appropriate end to him.

  4. Meat grinder? Okay sure, if there's no fire anthill handy.

    But you still haven't answered the question correctly.

    /tapping foot impatiently/

  5. This quiz is invalid - the name of Melissa Block is absent from the list. She who would report the news of the Apocalyse with an obvious smile in her delivery must be sprayed with a hose to knock her cheerfulness down a few notches.

    It couldn't possibly be Stephen Hill - his bong-pulling inspired dulcet tones put me to sleep every Sunday evening.

    Of course the correct answer is the super-smug Scott Simon, with his I'm-the-best-person-who-ever-lived narcissism.

  6. WRONG.

    Scott Simon is indeed a smug, falsely sincere, sniveling little bitch...who deserves to be punched in the face, HARD.

    I am so disappointed in both of you.

  7. Then it has to be Will Shortz with his so-goddamn-smart brain and word puzzles that make me feel stupid trying to figure them out in the three seconds you get. Or it could be seeing his name next to the New York Times crossword which is normally 2% completed in an hour that could have been better spent pouring turpentine into my eyes.

  8. Ding ding ding!

    You are correct: Will Shortz is indeed the most deserving of being blasted with a fire hose.

    Peter Sagal deserves the following treatment: to first have the moniker "UBER NERD" tattooed on his chest, then be stripped naked and duct taped to a flag pole in a strip mall.

    Steve Inskeep is far too green and tender for such treatment. He would be best served by a thorough spanking followed by a time out.

  9. Oh, and for extra credit: to what delicious torture would I enjoy subjecting Ira Glass, host of This American Life?

  10. I'm guessing you'd enjoy becoming the thick-bespectacled nerd's girl-slave, subjecting him only to the torture of yourself catering to his every whim - the more depraved, the better.

  11. Huh. I was actually thinking of chaining him to a radiator and forcing him to watch old Scooby Doo reruns...

    But sure, I guess your idea could also work.

  12. Since when is being chained to a radiator and being forced to watch Scooby Doo reruns torture? In our household we call that foreplay.