Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Pointless Argument #...fuck it, I can't keep track of this shit

The best possible diet? Raw veganism. There are far too many reasons to list here, but here are just a few of the most compelling:

1. It's a well-documented fact that cooking food destroys its magical properties. (Some people call this magic "micronutrients," but a more scientific term is "The Elixir of Youth.") If you consume only raw food, you will live forever. But eat just one molecule of cooked food? Later for you, man.

2. Cooking food also kills friendly bacteria, like salmonella, shigella, and E. coli O157:H7. Bacteria deserve to live, too, you MURDERER!

3. Raw vegans are closer to God. Were Adam and Eve barbecuing ribs before they were cast out of Eden? No, I don't think so.

4. Cooking requires the use of fire, which is bad for the earth. Why do you people hate the Earth so much? WHY?!

5. Depriving oneself of delicious cooked foods allows one to declare moral and spiritual superiority. Anyone who can subsist on nothing but wheat grass and uncooked pumpkin is clearly a much more enlightened being.

6. You can kiss constipation good-bye. Forever.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This or That

Balance California's budget without issuing IOUs or raising taxes
Attend a Fred Phelps protest carrying one of his "God Hates Fags" signs

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Pointless Pop Quiz: Which NPR personality... most deserving of being blasted with a firehose? And why?

1. Scott Simon (host of Weekend Edition Saturday)
2. Stephen Hill (host of Music of the Hearts of Space)
3. Peter Sagal (host of Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!)
4. Puzzlemaster Will Shortz
5. Steve Inskeep (host of Morning Edition)

And yes, there IS a right answer.