It should be not only legal, but encouraged

to slap people who a) speak very slowly b) take too long getting to their point c) act as though they are saying something new when they are just repeating something that has been said by someone else earlier.

We live in a high speed society.  We need efficiency in communication.  We need to focus on driving results, not the slow and redundant chatter that drags shit down.

And if by any chance you are forced to listen to other people via remote, ie a phone meeting, you should be able to substitute a high voltage jolt that could be administered by hitting "#7" on your phone.

Pointless Decree: Pumpin' Up The Party Is Ofiicially This Blog's Theme Song

Since the rest of you losers haven't really been pulling your weight around here, I'm going to go ahead and stage a bloodless coup. And my first act as Boss of This Blog is to decree that Hannah Montana's Pumpin' Up The Party (aka the Best Song Ever!) is now officially our theme song!

I am hoping that this ragin' tune will inspire all of you to come back and get your sorry asses kicked by yours truly.

And now...let's Pump Up This Party!

Pointless Argument #...fuck it, I can't keep track of this shit

The best possible diet? Raw veganism. There are far too many reasons to list here, but here are just a few of the most compelling:

1. It's a well-documented fact that cooking food destroys its magical properties. (Some people call this magic "micronutrients," but a more scientific term is "The Elixir of Youth.") If you consume only raw food, you will live forever. But eat just one molecule of cooked food? Later for you, man.

2. Cooking food also kills friendly bacteria, like salmonella, shigella, and E. coli O157:H7. Bacteria deserve to live, too, you MURDERER!

3. Raw vegans are closer to God. Were Adam and Eve barbecuing ribs before they were cast out of Eden? No, I don't think so.

4. Cooking requires the use of fire, which is bad for the earth. Why do you people hate the Earth so much? WHY?!

5. Depriving oneself of delicious cooked foods allows one to declare moral and spiritual superiority. Anyone who can subsist on nothing but wheat grass and uncooked pumpkin is clearly a much more enlightened being.

6. You can kiss constipation good-bye. Forever.

This or That

Balance California's budget without issuing IOUs or raising taxes
or
Attend a Fred Phelps protest carrying one of his "God Hates Fags" signs

Pointless Pop Quiz: Which NPR personality...

...is most deserving of being blasted with a firehose? And why?

1. Scott Simon (host of Weekend Edition Saturday)
2. Stephen Hill (host of Music of the Hearts of Space)
3. Peter Sagal (host of Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!)
4. Puzzlemaster Will Shortz
5. Steve Inskeep (host of Morning Edition)

And yes, there IS a right answer.

Pointless Argument #47: Nothing Says Welcome to the Neighborhood Like a Flaming Bag of Dogshit on Your Doorstep

Sure, most people like to welcome their new neighbors with a plate of homemade baked goods. And that's fine—as long as you realize that this is how things are going to go down:

1. New neighbors move in, you welcome them with a pan of your famous lemon bars.
2. You exchange small talk over your fence for a few weeks.
3. New neighbor man asks to borrow your lawn mower. Of course you say yes.
4. A week later, lawn mower has not been returned.
5. New neighbor man denies having borrowed lawn mower, yet blatantly uses it to mow his lawn.
6. Heated words are exchanged over the fence.
7. Small items begin disappearing from your porch and yard.
8. New neighbor woman gives you the deep freeze when you see her in the morning.
9. You realize she never returned your lemon bar pan.
10. Your cat goes missing.
11. Also the framed wedding photo from your mantel.
12. You wake up to discover a large knife stabbed into your pillow. Through your wedding photo. And your cat.
    

Why not just save yourself the hassle of those initial niceties and go straight to the I-hate-yous? You'll thank me, I'm sure—and so will your cat.

Nothing says I love you like an enema

Thoroughly cleansing the colon of your loved one is the fondest form of love. What else says "I will do anything for you" like an enema?