Saturday, July 31, 2010

The Onion® really IS America's Finest News Source

Looking for a one-stop source for news? Look no further: The Onion® has it all!

Up-to-the-minute breaking news reports like this one will keep you abreast of everything going on in the world.

Incisive in-depth reports like this will give you plenty to talk about with the other losers waiting to pick up their unemployment checks.

For the illiterate among us—yes, that's all of you idiots—there's even radio and video to keep you informed.

Wanna know what's happening in the world of hard science, but you're too stupid to read the original papers? The Onion®'s crack team of science reporters will break it down for you in PlaNe TaLk eVen a MOrOn lIKe YOO caN unDerStand.

How about those of you who enjoy keeping up with the sports? The Onion®'s got your sports right here.

And of course there's the entertainment news for all you superficial little bitches who like that sort of thing. Oh yeah, Chewboy, you know I'm talking to you.

I DOUBLE-DOG dare you to find a better source than The Onion® for news!
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with The Onion®...unless by "affiliated" you mean they shelled out a shit-ton of cash for me to post this.


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  2. Despite T. Herman Zweibel's blow-hard claims of heading a quality news-service, and being a bastion of the true American way, only Fox News could actually be called "America's Finest News Source." Only at Fox can one find truly Fair and Balanced(TM) news delivered by HOT anchorwomen who also happen to be just plain folks who can fully relate to our real national leaders like Sarah Palin.

    Fox News is the only source which really cares about portraying the varied peoples of the world in an equitable light, never relying on baiting or scare tactics to falsely pander to their viewers.

    Rational, honest, and thoughtful opinions by such men-of-the-people as Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity lend the highest credibility to the Fox organization, while bringing their own flavor of no-holds-barred journalism to the arena.

    Important public safety tips too!

    Yeah, sure, go to The Onion for hard-hitting pieces about pudding, but when you want to know what's really important in the world, rely on FOX.

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