Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This or That

Balance California's budget without issuing IOUs or raising taxes
or
Attend a Fred Phelps protest carrying one of his "God Hates Fags" signs

10 comments:

  1. Balanced budget, of course. Which is easy when you have magical powers like I do.

    Listen to nothing but Christian "rock" for 9 hours straight

    OR

    surgically remove your own spleen without anesthesia.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Christian rock - I can belt out my own Satan-inspired lyrics to the innocuous, predictable music.

    Attempt to convince conservatives that "Public Option" does not equal "Socialist Government Health Care System"

    or

    listen to nothing but the complete Phish catalog until finished - not only the 14 studio albums, but also the 34 official live releases

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, duh: sweet-talk the conservatives.

    Become a vegan

    OR

    wear assless chaps to work for an entire month?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Assless chaps - that's how much I love meat, ice cream, cheese, and leather. Anyway, people tell me I have a pretty nice butt.

    Become a carnivore (exclusively)

    or

    wear a Schwarzenegger mask everywhere you go for a month

    ReplyDelete
  5. Schwarzenegger mask

    get hair plugs...on your ass. They'll stick out of your pants and make that ass look odd in your chaps

    OR

    have your hair permanently removed and replaced with Chia.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Chia hair, green looks good on me.

    Heartily cry "Bob's your uncle!" in a phony English accent whenever someone greets you

    OR

    have both eyebrows permanently removed via electrolysis?

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've already had my eyebrows removed. I now walk around with two wooly bear caterpillars on my face. I've named them Lefty and Righty. They add a certain je ne sais qua to my look.

    Be compelled to tell everyone how much things cost as part of your daily conversation. For example: let me just put on my sweater, $22.99 on sale, and grab my purse, $68.00 full price.

    or

    be compelled to grab and devour all of the perfume inserts and subscription offers when you see anyone reading a magazine. Things to consider: going to the hair dresser, going to the pediatrician's office

    ReplyDelete
  8. Announce how much things cost (I'm Jewish, I do this anyway, at least with the bargains).

    Try to fall asleep while a hamster runs on its unfixable squeaky wheel

    OR

    try to stay awake during a lecture on organic synthesis.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Squeaky wheel.

    Put every major decision in your life up to a vote on facebook

    or

    always feel the need to rock out with your air guitar in the grocery check out line.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Facebook vote (chocolate stout poundcake, by the way -- no contest)

    Post your old prom pictures on Facebook

    OR

    strip naked and run around the block screaming, "I'm FREE! I'm FREE!"

    ReplyDelete