Balance California's budget without issuing IOUs or raising taxes
or
Attend a Fred Phelps protest carrying one of his "God Hates Fags" signs
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
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We argue about nothing for no good reason
Balanced budget, of course. Which is easy when you have magical powers like I do.
ReplyDeleteListen to nothing but Christian "rock" for 9 hours straight
OR
surgically remove your own spleen without anesthesia.
Christian rock - I can belt out my own Satan-inspired lyrics to the innocuous, predictable music.
ReplyDeleteAttempt to convince conservatives that "Public Option" does not equal "Socialist Government Health Care System"
or
listen to nothing but the complete Phish catalog until finished - not only the 14 studio albums, but also the 34 official live releases
Well, duh: sweet-talk the conservatives.
ReplyDeleteBecome a vegan
OR
wear assless chaps to work for an entire month?
Assless chaps - that's how much I love meat, ice cream, cheese, and leather. Anyway, people tell me I have a pretty nice butt.
ReplyDeleteBecome a carnivore (exclusively)
or
wear a Schwarzenegger mask everywhere you go for a month
Schwarzenegger mask
ReplyDeleteget hair plugs...on your ass. They'll stick out of your pants and make that ass look odd in your chaps
OR
have your hair permanently removed and replaced with Chia.
Chia hair, green looks good on me.
ReplyDeleteHeartily cry "Bob's your uncle!" in a phony English accent whenever someone greets you
OR
have both eyebrows permanently removed via electrolysis?
I've already had my eyebrows removed. I now walk around with two wooly bear caterpillars on my face. I've named them Lefty and Righty. They add a certain je ne sais qua to my look.
ReplyDeleteBe compelled to tell everyone how much things cost as part of your daily conversation. For example: let me just put on my sweater, $22.99 on sale, and grab my purse, $68.00 full price.
or
be compelled to grab and devour all of the perfume inserts and subscription offers when you see anyone reading a magazine. Things to consider: going to the hair dresser, going to the pediatrician's office
Announce how much things cost (I'm Jewish, I do this anyway, at least with the bargains).
ReplyDeleteTry to fall asleep while a hamster runs on its unfixable squeaky wheel
OR
try to stay awake during a lecture on organic synthesis.
Squeaky wheel.
ReplyDeletePut every major decision in your life up to a vote on facebook
or
always feel the need to rock out with your air guitar in the grocery check out line.
Facebook vote (chocolate stout poundcake, by the way -- no contest)
ReplyDeletePost your old prom pictures on Facebook
OR
strip naked and run around the block screaming, "I'm FREE! I'm FREE!"