Wednesday, July 28, 2010

All death penalty states should move from lethal injection to death by REO Speedwagon

In an effort to make the death of a convict involve more suffering, giving their victims, or the victims of their families even the tiniest bit of retribution, we should move away from lethal injection as a method of excecution.  We should also refrain from further use of the electric chair, firing squad, death by stoning with frozen pickles and all other means and institute a blanket policy of death by REO Speedwagon. 
This method would force the convict to listen to an endless stream of the hits and B-sides of REO Speedwagon hits until they experience complete organ collapse.  In all honesty it probably wouldn't even take that long.  I mean, they really really suck.

13 comments:

  1. Although I applaud your inventiveness, I'm pretty sure this qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment and is therefore unconstitutional.

    Unless you'd like to join me in a bloody coup and overthrow the government? Then we can rule the way we were meant to, as ruthless tyrannical dictators.

    Then again, I can't even remember how to log in as The Empress, so I doubt I can pull off a coup. GODDAMN IT.

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  2. I'm BACK, bitches! Let the mayhem begin!

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  3. Listen, in their time REO Speedwagon was a popular and well respected band. A long serenade to the death from a band with a string of hits is no more "cruel and unusual" than being super jolted or injected with something similar to Draino. Both of those methods are currently in use. I'm not really sure that the stoning with frozen pickles is, but it sounded good and therefor I choose to believe it is a real method of excecution.
    Plus, have you ever tracked a constitutional challenge? They take AGES. I mean by the time the first death penalty cry baby got their anti-REO Speedwagon case to the Supreme Court, a whole generation of neer-do-wells would be put down by this method. If they were successful we could just move on to another band. In fact, I believe Death Cab for Cutie might be a viable option. That "I Will Possess Your Heart" seems like a quick and easy way to usher people on to the afterlife.

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  4. You really have no soul, do you? "I Will Possess Your Heart" is a beautiful, heartfelt ballad. If you want convicts to weep themselves to death, then sure, I guess that would work.

    As for the frozen pickle stoning thing, I am pretty sure that method's alive and well in Oklahoma.

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  5. Oh, I didn't realize I was arguing with the "Empress of Emos" That song has the soul of a 14 year old with a mood disorder. You know what I do with "A book elegantly bound/In a language you don't read"? I put it back on the shelf and pick up something I understand.

    The "gotta spend some time, love" refrain sounds like he's justifying kidnapping and confinement until his poor victim suffers Stockholm Syndrome. That's not grounds for a relationship. Unless it's a relationship with a therapist I guess.

    I believe you are also wrong about Oklahoma. Their options are lethal injection, firing squad and licked to death by kittens. I think it may be Alabama that uses the fury of pickles to carry out the task.

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  6. In Oklahoma, the preferred method is death by fried pickles, and the entire population subjects itself willingly to slow death.

    Death by REO Speedwagon just wouldn't work anyway, because they completely rock. Hearing "Ridin' the Storm Out" just once in that long rotation of hits (and it would play twice, cuz of the live version) would simply compel the weakest-hearted convict to defy any attempt at execution, being involuntarily filled with the awesome life-fulfilling power of the RAWK.

    \m/

    (Delaware and Washington still use hanging as a means of execution, btw)

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  7. It's clear from the drivel being passed around here as "discussion", that no single punishment will work best, given the regional and intellectual ranges of the people involved. For example, Greenfrogwhatever, to believe that REO is some kind of even remotely palatable music belays, in one gigantic public clusterfornication, your total and utter lack of any taste or even simple desire to be part of the human race. How can we create a menu of music or food choices to exterminate others, with such a shocking lack of a baseline of taste, such as this?

    Now, turn off the radio. Guns, gas, rope. Pick one. Use it. Next.

    Chewboy

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  8. Guns, gas, rope...I'll gladly use all three on MYSELF just to avoid having to listen to you geniuses and your incisive cultural analyses.

    @ @

    None of you would recognize good music if it hit you in the face with a shovel, which I wish to christ it would.

    *POW*

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  9. Click this.

    http://consultaeventos.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/reo-speedwagon.jpg

    I win.

    Holy fucking shit, empress...I mean, what the fucking fuck?

    CB

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  10. If by "win" you mean caused my eyeballs to melt and trickle down my cheeks, then yes! We have a winner!

    As for your probing question, "what the fucking fuck"..."toughen up, buttercup" is my witty reply.

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  11. Empress, if your salivating admiration of these skanky old hair band fucks is the cause of your tears (goo streams?) of joy, then truly, humanity is lost.

    Again, I implore you...what the fucking fuck are you fucking prattling on about...fuck!

    CB

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  12. Ad hominem attacks and random curse words do not an argument make, girly man.

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  13. Pointless. Argument.

    CB

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