The best possible diet? Raw veganism. There are far too many reasons to list here, but here are just a few of the most compelling:
1. It's a well-documented fact that cooking food destroys its magical properties. (Some people call this magic "micronutrients," but a more scientific term is "The Elixir of Youth.") If you consume only raw food, you will live forever. But eat just one molecule of cooked food? Later for you, man.
2. Cooking food also kills friendly bacteria, like salmonella, shigella, and E. coli O157:H7. Bacteria deserve to live, too, you MURDERER!
3. Raw vegans are closer to God. Were Adam and Eve barbecuing ribs before they were cast out of Eden? No, I don't think so.
4. Cooking requires the use of fire, which is bad for the earth. Why do you people hate the Earth so much? WHY?!
5. Depriving oneself of delicious cooked foods allows one to declare moral and spiritual superiority. Anyone who can subsist on nothing but wheat grass and uncooked pumpkin is clearly a much more enlightened being.
6. You can kiss constipation good-bye. Forever.
