The Onion® really IS America's Finest News Source

Looking for a one-stop source for news? Look no further: The Onion® has it all!

Up-to-the-minute breaking news reports like this one will keep you abreast of everything going on in the world.

Incisive in-depth reports like this will give you plenty to talk about with the other losers waiting to pick up their unemployment checks.

For the illiterate among us—yes, that's all of you idiots—there's even radio and video to keep you informed.

Wanna know what's happening in the world of hard science, but you're too stupid to read the original papers? The Onion®'s crack team of science reporters will break it down for you in PlaNe TaLk eVen a MOrOn lIKe YOO caN unDerStand.

How about those of you who enjoy keeping up with the sports? The Onion®'s got your sports right here.

And of course there's the entertainment news for all you superficial little bitches who like that sort of thing. Oh yeah, Chewboy, you know I'm talking to you.

I DOUBLE-DOG dare you to find a better source than The Onion® for news!
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Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with The Onion®...unless by "affiliated" you mean they shelled out a shit-ton of cash for me to post this.

Grape Nuts is the King of Cereals

Really, there's no need for me to even back this statement up. The truth of it is self evident.

All death penalty states should move from lethal injection to death by REO Speedwagon

In an effort to make the death of a convict involve more suffering, giving their victims, or the victims of their families even the tiniest bit of retribution, we should move away from lethal injection as a method of excecution.  We should also refrain from further use of the electric chair, firing squad, death by stoning with frozen pickles and all other means and institute a blanket policy of death by REO Speedwagon. 
This method would force the convict to listen to an endless stream of the hits and B-sides of REO Speedwagon hits until they experience complete organ collapse.  In all honesty it probably wouldn't even take that long.  I mean, they really really suck.

It should be not only legal, but encouraged

to slap people who a) speak very slowly b) take too long getting to their point c) act as though they are saying something new when they are just repeating something that has been said by someone else earlier.

We live in a high speed society.  We need efficiency in communication.  We need to focus on driving results, not the slow and redundant chatter that drags shit down.

And if by any chance you are forced to listen to other people via remote, ie a phone meeting, you should be able to substitute a high voltage jolt that could be administered by hitting "#7" on your phone.

Pointless Decree: Pumpin' Up The Party Is Ofiicially This Blog's Theme Song

Since the rest of you losers haven't really been pulling your weight around here, I'm going to go ahead and stage a bloodless coup. And my first act as Boss of This Blog is to decree that Hannah Montana's Pumpin' Up The Party (aka the Best Song Ever!) is now officially our theme song!

I am hoping that this ragin' tune will inspire all of you to come back and get your sorry asses kicked by yours truly.

And now...let's Pump Up This Party!

Pointless Argument #...fuck it, I can't keep track of this shit

The best possible diet? Raw veganism. There are far too many reasons to list here, but here are just a few of the most compelling:

1. It's a well-documented fact that cooking food destroys its magical properties. (Some people call this magic "micronutrients," but a more scientific term is "The Elixir of Youth.") If you consume only raw food, you will live forever. But eat just one molecule of cooked food? Later for you, man.

2. Cooking food also kills friendly bacteria, like salmonella, shigella, and E. coli O157:H7. Bacteria deserve to live, too, you MURDERER!

3. Raw vegans are closer to God. Were Adam and Eve barbecuing ribs before they were cast out of Eden? No, I don't think so.

4. Cooking requires the use of fire, which is bad for the earth. Why do you people hate the Earth so much? WHY?!

5. Depriving oneself of delicious cooked foods allows one to declare moral and spiritual superiority. Anyone who can subsist on nothing but wheat grass and uncooked pumpkin is clearly a much more enlightened being.

6. You can kiss constipation good-bye. Forever.

This or That

Balance California's budget without issuing IOUs or raising taxes
or
Attend a Fred Phelps protest carrying one of his "God Hates Fags" signs